Hi, hello, and welcome back to Horrorscopes—a weekly series wherein we at Wolfbane Blooms (with no astrology training whatsoever) tell you what horror movies you should watch this week based on your weekly horoscope (as written by someone else)! Hooray!
This week, we got our horoscope help from Pinkvilla, which is a website that I didn’t initially realize was foreign! The exact country of origin is kind of unclear (perhaps Korea? I also didn’t look extremely hard), but I’m pretty sure English is not the native tongue and I love it. You can check it out here, but also keep reading below.
If you read the intro to this piece, you know that I didn’t realize this horoscope website was foreign right away. Not until I read your horoscope for the week, Aries, which I’m going to have to just quote verbatim. I’m sorry. Romantic alliances? Salaried people? It’s too good.
“Aries sign people will spend money on repairs or purchase of household consumption items. Take care of your mother’s health. The salaried people will have to cope with an excess of workload. Business people will earn profit by a greater margin. Earlier made investments will also bring greater profit than your expectations. There will be an ethos of love and harmony at home. You will experience love and care in your romantic alliance. Look out for health problems.”
Taurus! Everything this week from Pinkvilla is about that sweet, sweet money. “There are strong chances that your financial standing will improve significantly.” Hell yeah! I love to hear it. Pinkvilla also says that your “influence will increase many folds in the workplace” (folds, eh?) but that’s immediately followed by the line: “This will be an average week in the workplace.” So…it looks like we’re getting both money and power, but are doing it casually. Sounds…vampiric?
Gemini, according to Pinkvilla, “Your honour and prestige will attain new heights,” which sounds pretty flipping good to me. Let’s highlight a few movies that feature some horror hotties filled with honour and prestige.
OooOoo, Cancers, it sounds like you need to worry about your “offspring” this week and “may have to undertake a journey!” Incredible! Kids are the worst! Let’s look at some of the scariest offspring that horror has to offer!
Leo, I’m kind of irritated reading your horoscope for this week mostly just because it sounds good. It sounds like you’re just going to have a good week, filled with good things like “strong chances of making monetary gains,” and “your financial standing will improve significantly,” and “your health will improve dramatically,” and “there will be love and harmony in your martial and conjugal life.” Ew, gross brag, asshole. Anyway, here are some movies about things that didn’t work out for people since it’s not all about you, is it?
Virgo, there’s something written in the stars this week about you and long-distance lovers. The rest of it doesn’t make a ton of sense to me. In any case, this week, let’s head to the unknown and by the unknown, I mean space.
Libra! Your horoscope is kind of boring this week, but there’s this one wild line: “Your relations with your life partner will be harmonious and she will make gains on account of your stars.” She will make gains on account of your stars. Okay! Leading ladies it is!
Scorpios, according to the stars, y’all have lots to do and no motivation with which to do it! I’ve been there. I live there. Instead of doing what you’re supposed to, how about procrastinating with some tasty horror TV, courtesy of Shudder?
Hmm, Sagittarius, your horoscope is all over the place this week. What stands out to me are these lines advising you to “remain soft and courteous while holding routine conversations with your family members. Don’t use harsh words.” Let’s take a look at some horror that doesn’t quite follow this advice.
Uh-oh, look out, Capricorn! According to your horoscope, you need to watch out for the middle of this week, which could “bring the possibility of catching a cold and cough.” Not really what you want to hear during a pandemic! I suggest staying inside to watch these movies.
The funny thing about the Aquariusi horoscope this week is that the only line I can seem to pay attention to has nothing to do with you and everything to do with your siblings. “Your siblings are likely to make gains.” What a strange and selectively specific detail! Anyway, let’s check out some horror sibs.
“Pisces sign people will cheer up immensely on account of the inflow of money in large quantities.” I mean, that sounds legitimate. Since you’re so rich all of a sudden, let’s remind you of how money can corrupt.