Hi, hello, and welcome back to Horrorscopes—a weekly series wherein we at Wolfbane Blooms (with no astrology training whatsoever) tell you what horror movies you should watch this week based on your weekly horoscope (as written by someone else)! Hooray!
This week, we’re working off of a horoscope prediction written by professional astrology counselor and author Vanessa Montgomery—a.k.a. Astro All-Starz. You can find it here on Glamour.
According to the stars, Aries, it’s time for you to clean house this week. Donate your old shit to charity, slice the carotid arteries of your enemies, do whatever you have to do to rid yourself of excess baggage. Also, here’s a buzzword-heavy line about manifestation: “Over the weekend is your most potent manifesting moment of the year; open to your heart and decide on what to put your go factor behind.” The theme for your recs this week are those who get shit done.
The opening line for Taurus begins: “Bliss continues to be found in private moments,” and as a Taurus who has lived alone and worked from home for over a year through a global pandemic, I just have to say: LOL. Please, for the love of God, I am so over private moments. I don’t even want to read anymore of that honestly, so let’s just make some picks.
Gemini, apparently you should surround yourself with all sorts of friends this week (ideally vaccinated friends…speaking of, can someone please mail me a vaccine?). This week, we’re picking some horror hits that are best watched in a group.
The key for Cancers this week is to reflect on your achievements, do some journaling, and set your sights on your next big project. We’re going to recommend some horror hits that’ll help you reflect.
This week is about the closing of chapters for Leos. It’s time for you to let go of the things in your life that are no longer serving you (apparently, I don’t make the predictions) and make room for some exciting things coming up.
Virgo, according to Glamour, this week it’s time for you to “vanquish the final ghosts of lovers past.” Ohhh, spooky!! Let’s explore some horror about love interests who turn out not to be who you thought they were.
I don’t know if it’s just late when I’m writing this or if I’m legitimately an idiot, but I can’t figure out exactly what Libra’s message is supposed to be for this week. There’s a lot of talk of fresh intentions and clean slates, which seems to be a theme for every sign this week, so I guess let’s go with that? Anyway, I’m just going to recommend whatever I want.
UGH, SCORPIO! Your weekly horoscope is all about work, how boooooring and gross. I’m going to recommend three horror movies about going on vacation, which is the opposite of going to work, which is what you should really be focusing on. Get it together!
According to Glamour, this week is for Sag to remember not to settle. “In short,” Glamour reads, “if it doesn’t feel good, don’t pursue it.” I like that mentality. Let’s check out some horror about people who probably shouldn’t have pursued what they did.
You should dial into the vibes of your space this week, Capricorn, and focus on making your house a bit more zen. Get rid of the things that don’t bring you joy, decorate with some things that make you feel positive (I recommend hanging Christmas lights all throughout every room and hallway of your adult single woman’s apartment, like a psychopath or a child), and get ready for these haunted house horror movies that show you what can happen if you don’t make sure the vibes are positive at home.
Aquariuses, Aquariusi, whomstever you are: this week is about invention! “It’s time to invent fresh ways of thinking… visualize yourself sharing and leading the discussion, representing the change you want to see, and developing a new edge for your intellectual pursuits…” Well, that sounds ambitious!!!!! Allow us to recommend some horror featuring some of the most badass protagonists who get shit done.
Pisces, the stars are projecting that you’re going to wrangle in your spending this week! That sounds exciting, doesn’t it? Apparently, you’ve been sort of reckless with your money, and Glamour suggests that you stop impulsively buying things to make you feel better. As someone who buys things impulsively to make herself feel better and also doesn’t put much stock in astrology, I say do whatever you want. Spend!