Horrorscopes: April 4—April 10

Hi, hello, and welcome back to Horrorscopes—a weekly series wherein we at Wolfbane Blooms (with no astrology training whatsoever) tell you what horror movies you should watch this week based on your weekly horoscope (as written by someone else)! Hooray!

This week, we’re working off of a horoscope prediction written by professional astrology counselor and author Vanessa Montgomery—a.k.a. Astro All-Starz. You can find it here on Glamour.

Aries
ARIES
Taurus
TAURUS
Gemini
GEMINI
Cancer
CANCER
Leo
LEO
Virgo
VIRGO
Libra
LIBRA
Scorpio
SCORPIO
Sagittarius
SAGITTARIUS
Capricorn
CAPRICORN
Aquarius
AQUARIUS
Pisces
PISCES
Aries | Horrorscope
March 21 – April 19

According to the stars, Aries, it’s time for you to clean house this week. Donate your old shit to charity, slice the carotid arteries of your enemies, do whatever you have to do to rid yourself of excess baggage. Also, here’s a buzzword-heavy line about manifestation: “Over the weekend is your most potent manifesting moment of the year; open to your heart and decide on what to put your go factor behind.” The theme for your recs this week are those who get shit done.

Attack the Block (2011)

Attack the Block (2011)
These street kids, defending their neighborhood from aliens, are a great example of how to handle your problems head on.

God Bless America (2011)

God Bless America (2011)
Alright, I know this isn’t really a horror movie, but it’s too excellent of an example of a person discarding those in society who deserve to get kicked out.

Saw (2004)

Saw (2004)
Alternatively, if you don’t handle your shit before it’s too late, some psycho may kidnap you and make you play a terrible death game as punishment.
Taurus | Horrorscope
April 20 – May 20

The opening line for Taurus begins: “Bliss continues to be found in private moments,” and as a Taurus who has lived alone and worked from home for over a year through a global pandemic, I just have to say: LOL. Please, for the love of God, I am so over private moments. I don’t even want to read anymore of that honestly, so let’s just make some picks.

28 Days Later (2002)

28 Days Later… (2002)
Just in case you haven’t yet had enough of life-ruining, world-altering viral outbreaks.

Contagion (2011)

Contagion (2011)
Are you really sure you’ve had enough?

Warm Bodies (2013)

Warm Bodies (2013)
Okay, okay, fine. A side of love with your world-ruining pandemic.
Gemini| Horrorscope
May 21 – June 20

Gemini, apparently you should surround yourself with all sorts of friends this week (ideally vaccinated friends…speaking of, can someone please mail me a vaccine?). This week, we’re picking some horror hits that are best watched in a group.

Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975)

Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975)
“If only we were amongst friends…or sane persons!”

Tucker & Dale vs Evil (2010)

Tucker & Dale vs. Evil (2010)
A movie about buddies, for buddies.

Final Destination 3 (2006)

Final Destination 3 (2006)
Honestly, any of the FD movies would do, but I think the third has the most fun.
Cancer | Horrorscope
June 21 – July 22

The key for Cancers this week is to reflect on your achievements, do some journaling, and set your sights on your next big project. We’re going to recommend some horror hits that’ll help you reflect.

Death Note (2017)

Death Note (2017)
Be sure that the notebook you’re journaling in isn’t powerful and haunted and evil. Or maybe make sure that it is.

Sinister (2012)

Sinister (2012)
Just a reminder not to go to unreasonable lengths to try and recapture the success of a past project.

The Shining (1980)

The Shining (1980)
And here’s a reminder to pick the right place in which to pursue your next venture. Read review ⤇
Leo | Horrorscope
July 23 – August 22

This week is about the closing of chapters for Leos. It’s time for you to let go of the things in your life that are no longer serving you (apparently, I don’t make the predictions) and make room for some exciting things coming up.

The Ring (2002)

The Ring (2002)
For example, maybe stop watching the video tape that keeps killing those who see it.

Insidious (2010)

Insidious (2010)
Leave the haunted house already! Read review ⤇

Child's Play 2 (1990)

Child’s Play 2 (1990)
A final reminder that can’t always get rid of everything, no matter how hard you try….
Virgo | Horrorscope
August 23 – September 22

Virgo, according to Glamour, this week it’s time for you to “vanquish the final ghosts of lovers past.” Ohhh, spooky!! Let’s explore some horror about love interests who turn out not to be who you thought they were.

American Psycho (2000)

American Psycho (2000)
Beware of the rich and handsome.

Scream (1996)

Scream (1996)
No spoilers, but don’t trust him Sidney! Take the quiz ⤇

It Follows (2014)

It Follows (2014)
“Hugh” huh? Thanks a lot, Jeff.
Libra | Horrorscope
September 23 – October 21

I don’t know if it’s just late when I’m writing this or if I’m legitimately an idiot, but I can’t figure out exactly what Libra’s message is supposed to be for this week. There’s a lot of talk of fresh intentions and clean slates, which seems to be a theme for every sign this week, so I guess let’s go with that? Anyway, I’m just going to recommend whatever I want.

Veronica (2017)

Veronica (2017)
Supernatural Spanish horror, and it’s excellent.

Impetigore (2019)

Impetigore (2019)
You could be carrying a curse that plagues an entire town without even knowing it. Wild.

Possessor (2020)

Possessor (2020)
Have you seen this yet? It’s really good.
Scorpio | Horrorscope
October 22 – November 21

UGH, SCORPIO! Your weekly horoscope is all about work, how boooooring and gross. I’m going to recommend three horror movies about going on vacation, which is the opposite of going to work, which is what you should really be focusing on. Get it together!

Us (2019)

Us (2019)
A beachfront spook-em-up.

The Strangers Prey At Night (2018)

The Strangers: Prey At Night (2018)
Road trips are suuuper fun, until you end up in the wrong place at the wrong time. Read review ⤇

Wrong Turn (2021)

Wrong Turn (2021)
Haven’t seen this one yet, but read a good feature in Fango and have heard good things. Breaks continuity with the first 6.
Sagittarius | Horrorscope
November 22 – December 21

According to Glamour, this week is for Sag to remember not to settle. “In short,” Glamour reads, “if it doesn’t feel good, don’t pursue it.” I like that mentality. Let’s check out some horror about people who probably shouldn’t have pursued what they did.

Jennifer's Body (2009)

Jennifer’s Body (2009)
Jennifer, whyyy did you have to leave with the band in the band van???

Henry Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986)

Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986)
This is such a hard watch because absolutely everything Henry does is something you deeply, deeply wish he wouldn’t.

Black Christmas (1974)

Black Christmas (1974)
From Jess going upstairs after learning the killer is in the house to the cops later leaving her totally alone while she’s heavily sedated—smh.
Capricorn | Horrorscope
December 22 – January 19

You should dial into the vibes of your space this week, Capricorn, and focus on making your house a bit more zen. Get rid of the things that don’t bring you joy, decorate with some things that make you feel positive (I recommend hanging Christmas lights all throughout every room and hallway of your adult single woman’s apartment, like a psychopath or a child), and get ready for these haunted house horror movies that show you what can happen if you don’t make sure the vibes are positive at home.

The Grudge (2020)

The Grudge (2020)
Nicolas Pesce’s take on the famous Japanese haunted house story. Read review ⤇

Out of the Dark (2014)

Out of the Dark (2014)
UK couple relocates to Colombia to take over spooky haunted business.

Relic (2020)

Relic (2020)
It may not even be your house that needs cleansing, but a loved one.
Aquarius | Horrorscope
January 20 – February 18

Aquariuses, Aquariusi, whomstever you are: this week is about invention! “It’s time to invent fresh ways of thinking… visualize yourself sharing and leading the discussion, representing the change you want to see, and developing a new edge for your intellectual pursuits…” Well, that sounds ambitious!!!!! Allow us to recommend some horror featuring some of the most badass protagonists who get shit done.

Army of Darkness (1992)

Army of Darkness (1992)
No one takes care of business like Ash. Take the quiz ⤇

Alien (1979)

Alien (1979)
Ripley rules. Take the quiz ⤇

A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
Nancy refuses to go down without a fight. Take the quiz ⤇
Pisces | Horrorscope
February 19 – March 20

Pisces, the stars are projecting that you’re going to wrangle in your spending this week! That sounds exciting, doesn’t it? Apparently, you’ve been sort of reckless with your money, and Glamour suggests that you stop impulsively buying things to make you feel better. As someone who buys things impulsively to make herself feel better and also doesn’t put much stock in astrology, I say do whatever you want. Spend!

Chopping Mall (1986)

Chopping Mall (1986)
What better place in which to impulsively shop than a (chopping) mall?

Annabelle (2014)

Annabelle (2014)
Just make sure to watch out for haunted objects.

Dawn of the Dead (1978)

Dawn of the Dead (1978)
Okay, fine, a small reminder that consumerism is corrosive.

 

About Carly Smith 61 Articles
Carly is an unapologetically opinionated writer who enjoys long walks on the beach, gazing adoringly at breathtaking sunsets, and consuming all forms of unadulterated, stomach-churning, sweat-inducing horror — the bloodier the better. Hit her up on the Twitter she sometimes uses @snarlyjones.

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