The year is 2006. Pluto gets downgraded from a planet to a dwarf planet. Saddam Hussein the dictator (and possibly CIA scapegoat) is executed. And a train bombing in Mumbai leaves two hundred and nine dead. That wasn’t the biggest bomb of the year, however, as William Dear’s movie Simon Says makes it’s glorious debut.
Simon Says features Crispin Glover as a pair of retarded identical twins from the backwoods. Just in case that didn’t sink in, let me reiterate. Crispin Glover plays a PAIR OF RETARDED IDENTICAL TWINS. If this isn’t enough to make you see this movie right now, there is something wrong with you.
The super basic plot follows the jock, the stoner, the slut, the good girl and a spoiled brat as they embark on a camping trip. The stoner, by the way, is played by Greg Cipes, who voices Beast Boy in Teen Titans. Fun fact.
Keeping in horror movie logic, the woods are rumored to be haunted. Which they spend a while talking about and building up.
Now, they do encounter a ghost within about ten minutes. The ghost is a girl sitting on a horse who stares at them, points discouragingly, and then disappears. This seems important right? Right?! Well it’s not, as we never hear her backstory, we never see her again, no one really reacts to the sighting, and that is the end of the haunted woods story line.
The rest of the movie features Simon and Stanley, two backwoods store owners. Simon is violent and slow. Stanley seems the more normal one, but is also clearly insane. Wielding a nonsensical pick-axe throwing machine, Simon proceeds to murder his way through the campers, and a bunch of other randos that happen to be passing by in the woods.
Although the plot is subpar and the acting is crap, you need to see this movie. Crispin Glover has never, at any point, been more insane. I’m not even sure if there was a script. I think he had carte blanche to go into the woods and act as utterly bonkers as he wanted, in whatever the hell accent he wanted. It is glorious.
Between Glover’s antics and a cameo from Blake Lively that lasts roughly a minute but gets her top billing, this is a must watch in my book.