Deep Cuts: Blood Glacier (2013)

The year is 2013. The NHL lockout ended after one hundred and thirteen days. Calcium deposits are discovered on Mars. And Argo wins best movie of the year. Then, as a possible contender for the WORST movie of the year, Blood Glacier is released.

I came across this gem on Netflix and my curiosity got the better of me. “How can a glacier kill people?” I asked. The answer? I don’t know. Because the damn thing didn’t do anything for the entirety of the movie. What I was treated to instead was a half-hearted rip-off of The Thing.

The movie follows a bunch of scientists doing nothing important in the Swiss Alps. I’d name them but they aren’t worth it. These overpaid government employees discover a red glacier and take some samples of it back to their lab. That’s the last we hear about our icy old friend. For the rest of the movie they are attacked by various mutated animals that combine their DNA with anything they eat. There is an Ibex-fly combo. A bird-scorpion (by the way, scorpions don’t live in the Alps last I checked) and some nonsense that combined with a wood louse. Yes, all tremble before a wood louse, a bug so unfrightening and unimportant that I had to pause the movie and Google what the hell one was.

The effects in this movie are actually fairly decent and the editing is great, but the story is crap and it’s also in German, which was an unexpected twist. You could put on the dubbing but the voice actors are obviously bored and not trying, and I’m reasonably sure that the same woman voiced every woman in the movie. That being said, the take away seems to be about the dangers of global warming.

It’s noble for a movie to try to take on important issues, but that isn’t always a success (cough cough Birdemic). Also, I am not Swiss scientist myself but I would imagine that global warming would make a glacier melt, not turn red. Just my thoughts.

Overall it was entertaining enough to hate watch and nothing in the horror section of Netflix is any good anyway so I give it a 6/10.

About James Amthor 14 Articles
James is the writer, director and producer behind PunGent Studios. Some of his favorite films include The Blob, Slither and Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer along with books like Geek Love, Diary and Bend Sinister.

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